Vylar Kaftan ([info]vylar_kaftan) wrote,
@ 2008-07-11 16:08:00
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Entry tags:uncategorized

Post A Rejection Letter Friday

Originally published at Vylar Kaftan. You can comment here or there.

In honor of Post a Rejection Letter Friday, I hereby offer you…

Rejections!

That’s right, folks. Just post a comment, and I will happily write you a rejection letter. It will be personalized. It will be random. And it will completely and utterly reject you.

And you can quote any of my rejection letters anywhere you want. Scout’s honor!

Who’s first?

ETA: Man, you guys are gluttons for punishment.


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[info]wordweaverlynn
2008-07-12 12:21 am UTC (link)
Tell me no! I can take it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 12:31 am UTC (link)
Dear wordweaverlynn,

No. Just no. And that other thing? No.

I see what you're doing. You're thinking about sending me another story. The answer? No.

I also see you're thinking about a cheese sandwich for dinner. I am here to tell you: Also no.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]kblincoln
2008-07-12 12:42 am UTC (link)
Oooh, ooh, I'm having a barren response month here. Could I have a rejection, too? I just need SOME answer on SOMETHING.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 12:48 am UTC (link)
Dear kblincoln,

I am very pleased to report that I'll be rejecting your story. I take great pride in this cruel task, and I want you to know that I'm enjoying every second of it. In fact, some days I don't get enough stories to reject, and this makes me very sad. Thank you for bringing me such delight.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]cscole
2008-07-12 12:53 am UTC (link)
I've yet to make a sale yet I don't view rejection letters as absolute 'Rejection.' Am I living in denial? Does my stuff really suck? Will this garner me yet another rejection of which I will surely celebrate instead? Go ahead, make my day.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 12:57 am UTC (link)
Dear cscole,

Your story left its dirty socks on my floor. I can't stand slobs. Tell your story to shape up and run the vacuum sometimes. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]aiela
2008-07-12 01:35 am UTC (link)
Dear Vylar,

Please accept my story for consideration.

Thank you,
Aiela

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 01:49 am UTC (link)
Dear aiela,

With these words I have not yet typed, I reject the story you have not yet written.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]katybeth
2008-07-12 01:50 am UTC (link)
Reject me!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 01:54 am UTC (link)
Dear katybeth,

To better understand your story's status, please solve this equation.

your story = x^2
x = the square root of REJECTED

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]ruralwriter
2008-07-12 02:03 am UTC (link)
I submit; therefore, I am rejected?

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 02:05 am UTC (link)
Dear ruralwriter,

You know all those writing teachers who encourage you by saying, "Editors are rejecting the story, not you," and "It's not personal"?

They're lying. I'm rejecting YOU.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]debtaber
2008-07-12 02:37 am UTC (link)
You had me eaten by a shark. I helped a Baskin Robbins employee throw a frozen mocha on your husband. Your turn, Rejectinatrix.

~ThingBaby

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 03:17 am UTC (link)
Dear debtaber,

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting editor.
Interrupting editor--
--REJECTED!

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]freeimprov
2008-07-12 02:52 am UTC (link)
Be gentle. It's my first time.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 03:16 am UTC (link)
Dear freeimprov,

I note that http://rejected.com/ is an available domain. I kindly suggest you post your story there.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]dsmoen, 2008-07-13 07:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-13 08:06 pm UTC

[info]jenwrites
2008-07-12 02:54 am UTC (link)
Dear Ms. Caftan,

Enclosed is my short story "Poop" (word count: 3,612.4). My stories have previously appeared in my mother's scrapbook, bathroom stalls, and the Penthouse letters column.

Regards,
Jeniffer Pelannd

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 03:14 am UTC (link)
Dear jenwrites,

Your story moved me... to take a dump on it. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

P.S. "op" is in fact 0.5 of a word and I demand that you calculate your wordcounts correctly.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]jenwrites, 2008-07-12 01:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-12 02:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]jenwrites, 2008-07-12 02:46 pm UTC

[info]comrade_cat
2008-07-12 12:53 pm UTC (link)
This is fun, I can get rejected without even writing a story? :)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 02:38 pm UTC (link)
Dear comrade_cat,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm rejecting your story,
your worldview, and YOU.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]countesslovlace
2008-07-12 05:22 pm UTC (link)
Vylar Kaftan, Editor

Dear Sir:

Hear is my story witch I no you will want to put in yore magazine. My mom really liked it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 05:26 pm UTC (link)
Dear countesslovlace,

I'm accepting your story.

...

HA! Gotcha! You believed me, didn't you? You thought I would actually buy your story! Writers are so gullible.

REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]countesslovlace
2008-07-12 05:29 pm UTC (link)
Waaaaaaaaaa!

I'm telling my mommy.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 05:31 pm UTC (link)
Go for it! She's busy. With me. Doing, you know, things that are insulting to your mother.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]reveritas
2008-07-12 05:43 pm UTC (link)
If you don't accept my story, I'll throw myself out of this first-story window in Pella, Iowa.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 05:59 pm UTC (link)
Dear reveritas,

One two three FOUR five,
six seven eight NINE ten
REJECTED TWELVE.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]caranille
2008-07-12 06:12 pm UTC (link)
Dear Mr. or Ms. Kaftan,

Enclosed please find my story "Spork of Ages." It's brilliant and anyone who says otherwise doesn't understand it. What do you say?

Sincerely,
Me

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 06:38 pm UTC (link)
Dear caranille,

This story is appalling. A slug could have written a better story. Next time, ask one for a spellcheck. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]eub
2008-07-12 08:45 pm UTC (link)

Dear Rejector,
Please accept my request for a rejection.
P.S. I know you said Courier but that doesn't apply to my request, right?

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-12 08:56 pm UTC (link)
Dear eub,

Whatever. Go play with your font in your own room. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]beth_bernobich
2008-07-13 05:10 pm UTC (link)
Dear Vylar,

Even though your stated submission window closed yesterday, I know I'm so special that you'll make an exception for me. Enclosed is a sample of my genius. (Please excuse the smell.)

Love,
Me

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-13 05:35 pm UTC (link)
Dear beth_bernobich,

Your submission's scent was nothing compared to my birdcage. Thank you for your submission, which I have shredded and used as liner. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]squirrel_monkey
2008-07-13 06:25 pm UTC (link)
OH, this is too funny. These are all rejections I dreamt of writing. So hit me if you're still up to it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-13 06:35 pm UTC (link)
Dear squirrel_monkey,

Violence is never the answer... except in response to your submission. REJECTED. IN A BIG FLAMING FIREBALL.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]samhenderson
2008-07-13 06:43 pm UTC (link)
These are hysterical. Please reject my amusement.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-13 06:48 pm UTC (link)
Dear samhenderson,

Many writers wonder, "Where does that editor get off rejecting me??"

The answer is, "Right here in this chair. Watch out for puddles."

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]ruralwriter
2008-07-13 07:27 pm UTC (link)
I'm submitting my story again. Because I know eventually you'll run out of rejections. I mean, there's gotta be a finite number of them.

(I think I read that in a book on writing once.)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-13 07:28 pm UTC (link)
Dear ruralwriter,

Bite my shiny metal editorial ass. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]msisolak, 2008-07-13 07:47 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-13 08:08 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]beth_bernobich, 2008-07-14 03:25 pm UTC

[info]voidmonster
2008-07-14 07:54 am UTC (link)
There was this time a long time ago when I tripped and hit my head. I saw this black shape climb out of the ground and tear my mother limb-from-limb. When I woke up, the police handed me this story and told me to send it to you. It's 334,101 words long. Other editors have rejected the story before, but they've all said that it was the best story they had ever read, but they lacked courage to publish such a brave work of quivering genius.

You've rejected enough people here to have a mountain of skeletons to put your throne on, and it's been difficult climbing all the way to the top, so, please don't reject me.

PS, my mom actually died after she ate rat poison.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-14 02:10 pm UTC (link)
Dear voidmonster,

Reject, rinse, repeat.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]voidmonster, 2008-07-14 05:37 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-15 01:59 am UTC

[info]brinagirl
2008-07-14 04:03 pm UTC (link)
Dear Ms. Kaftan,

I am writing to you about [Important Literary Agent], whose recent rejection caused me to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. Alas, I was not on the Brooklyn Bridge at the time, so no harm was done. It would be a great favor to me if you would reject one of the following three:

1. [Important Literary Agent]
2. The Brooklyn Bridge
3. Me. Again.

Sincerely,
brinagirl

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-15 02:05 am UTC (link)
Dear brinagirl,

You are in a maze of twisty little rejections, all alike.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]sartorias
2008-07-14 04:29 pm UTC (link)
It's been glacial epochs since I've heard on certain projects. I need some love--er, that is, I need some hate!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-15 02:06 am UTC (link)
Dear sartorias,

Clearly you had lots of practice with crappy dating sites. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]sartorias, 2008-07-15 02:07 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-15 02:13 am UTC

[info]jaylake
2008-07-14 04:41 pm UTC (link)
Apres moi, le rejection...

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-15 02:07 am UTC (link)
Dear jaylake,

While I appreciated your submission, I regret to inform you that I have just bought 16 pieces from another writer named "Jay Lake." I will be filling the magazine with his work. Perhaps if you wrote more stories, you could compete with him.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]buffysquirrel
2008-07-14 04:44 pm UTC (link)
Dear Mr Kaftan

Not wanting to wear out my welcome (yuk yuk), here is my novel. Which you will love.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-15 02:08 am UTC (link)
Dear buffysquirrel,

Bored now. REJECTED.

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]rowenablue
2008-07-14 05:17 pm UTC (link)
hi. followed a link over from [info]beth_bernobich's journal. feel free to reject me as well.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]vylar_kaftan
2008-07-15 02:11 am UTC (link)
Dear rowenablue,

You are on a strange island, where the natives from one town always tell the truth and the natives from the other town always lie. You're approaching a fork in the road and you aren't sure which way to go for your destination. You see two natives standing at the fork. One of them must be the truth-teller and the other the liar.

So you ask them, "Which way is the correct one?"

The first native says, "REJECTED."

The second native says, "Look, dude, I'm supposed to be the liar. But I can't help myself. I've gotta ditto the other guy. REJECTED."

Sincerely,

Vylar Kaftan

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
(no subject) - [info]rowenablue, 2008-07-15 02:58 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vylar_kaftan, 2008-07-15 05:22 am UTC

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